"Parent Shrinks"

Hi PBers: Before Peg Flandreau-West's death, PB USA Trainers group was debating her suggestion we teach/talk to children about "parent shrinks". It was a concept not fully endorsed as it seemed as if it was 'blaming' the child for behavior the parent was exhibiting. However, it would be interesting to get your thoughts on it.

If a child is not able to protect her/himself from abusive behavior on a regular basis, even using PBs, it might be helpful to freethink with the child about 'parent shrinks'. In other words asking him/herself, "What could I do to ensure my safety with this parent? What do I do that causes my father/mother et al to become abusive toward me?" An example might be: "What do I do that is so annoying to my dad that he hits me?" "What could I do to stop myself from doing that behavior?" Freethink might bring out 'safe place meditation', 'going to safe place', 'finding an adult to help', etc.

A friend of mine had a dad who drank on Friday/Saturday nights and was abusive to mother and him when he came home drunk. Almost anything my friend and his mother did enraged his father. My friend learned his dad didn't check underneath his bed, so when the door opened and his dad yelled, he rolled under the bed. He still suffers from feelings of inadequacy at not being able to protect his mother, however.

I have a three year old grandson who is very bright; I am working with him to learn the signs when he is annoying his grandmother (the mother of his mother with whom he has to spend weekends). He is not sure but thinks his incessant talking may be the point at which his grandmother slaps him. We'll see how it comes out, but it brought up the memory of Peg's 'parent shrink' concept. (We have reported this abuse to Social Services, but they have not responded.)

Would like some feedback. We haven't included it in our trainings.

Donna Fortin

Hi Donna,

I think this is an interesting idea and have suggested that this be a discussion topic at the next PBPeople meeting which is being held on 30th January 2013. In the meantime, I've suggested people have a look at your post and feedback - just replied to an email to Di and mentioned it. For me, I need to think a bit more as my gut reaction is to say that children are not responsible for the behaviour of parents - and not all parents have the ability to respond to children's needs. And where does choice, control and time limit exist for children? I will value being able to discuss and problem solve with others - thank you

I am also looking forward to have this discussion. A lot my work in Child and Adolescent Mental Health Services is working with families and all too often, the referred child can feel/or made to feel responsible for the adults behaviour. This does not mean that children cant learn to be responsible for their own behaviour and learn to be more mindful. However I believe, they can only be responsible for their own behaviour not for their parents. I think there are strategies children can learn to recognise the warning signs and then use strategies not to escalate an already difficult situation.
These are just my initial thoughts
Melanie

I also look forward to the discussion but initial thoughts are that I have major early warning signs about this for the reasons others have said before me. I agree there are valuable indicators children may have about an unsafe situation at home but for me that is about recognising early warning signs and then developing immediate protective interruptions to keep self actually safe, longer term protective interruption e.g. using network to get help for self and possibly parent/s.